Have you noticed all the doomsday talk lately...predictions about the end of Obama, the end of the USA, and ultimately, the end of the world? The apocalypse had a resurgence last week, when it was announced Detroit - a storied American city - couldn't even afford to pay 911 operators anymore. It was fascinating to witness people's different reactions: conservatives were appalled, liberals shrugged their shoulders, and youths who didn't consider Detroit's bankruptcy to be nearly as tragic as Cory Monteith's death. But regardless of opinion, news channels pitted everyone together for the rest of the evening…and on into the days that followed. In hindsight I suppose that Detroit's bad news brought a welcome diversion to all the Zimmerman drama...
I believe that our economy is headed for a major reality-check, a financial event the likes that hasn't been seen for generations. Our national debt will hit 16.7 trillion by fall, we're rapidly losing "world's currency" status, and - at risk of sounding like Porter Stansberry's alarmist infomercial - we won't be able to pay our debts by just printing more money. And once shit really hits the fan, there will be panic, and the Zimmerman reaction - by white and black alike - is only foreshadowing. Things are going to get real bad, real fast -
...And I for one don't think I'm alone in worrying how hard it's going to be to maintain a sexy six-pack of abs in the days that follow the Rapture.
Like McDonald's healthier menu options, PP items are engineered for optimal nutrition, and feature a shelf life for up to 25 years. Per their claims, you can store these totes in your basement, your attic, behind the living room sofa - or even in the trunk of your car - next to the guns & gasoline. And if you're really clever (or, if like most Americans, you watch HGTV more than the news), you can actually use the totes themselves to decorate your home: just hide your stash in plain sight of guests, beneath a cute Crate & Barrel tablecloth with a nice IKEA lamp on top.
But back to abs.
Even more than their ease of storage, what struck me most about Patriot Pantry products was their complete and total disregard for current nutritional fads. Everything on their menu involves starch, cheese, or creamy white sauce. Lots of mashed potatoes, lots of powdered milk. Even the hearty chicken soup is somehow made of bread, and I suspect that PP's "fruit snacks" come with a side of Alfredo for dippin.'
In PP's defense, I suppose that unless you like brains, protein will hard to come by once fire once the sky glows red...but is that really an excuse to binge on carbohydrates? I don't think so. And I definitely won't look like a shirtless Rick Grimes if my morning Patriot Pantry breakfast involves granola moistened with ranch dressing. If anything, I'll look like that zombie in the well. Or Zimmerman in the courtroom, 50lbs after the shooting.
So, with the little time we all have left, my once-Republican voice now sheepishly asks Michelle Obama: "Please, Madame President. Go after the Patriot Pantry in the same way you attacked school lunches!"
Go "Detroit" on PP's ass! Conviene a closed-door committee with great-abbed stars like Ryan Reynolds, Mario Lopez, Hugh Jackman, and The Situation. DEMAND the Patriot Pantry include The Men's Health Journal in every tote of emergency food. Throw in an inflatable exercise ball too, and maybe a Richard Simmons workout. And remind all survivors that despite the fact that eating starchy, high-calorie food might be a good way to keep yourself "alive," it's a horrible way to keep yourself "attractive" (especially since most everyone will be dead - which means no lines/no excuses at the gym).
And as we've learned from every post-apocolptic movie ever: Only the ATTRACTIVE will survive…!