1. Car pulls up, rap music playing. A beer can falls onto the pavement when the driver's side door opens/closes. A man climbs out - the neighbor's boyfriend. He's Hispanic, early 30s, overweight, unemployed, and dressed like he had been on the prowl (alone). He staggers into the house (where he lives rent free, unless you count the occasional sperm contribution).
2. My neighbor - early 30s, a hardworking single mother and the owner of the house - is unsurprisingly, mad at her boyfriend's behavior. She yells, he yells, a verbal altercation ensues. I hear the phrase, "Bitch, what would you do without me?" My neighbor kicks the boyfriend out (again), and he stumbles down the driveway, throws a beer can at the house, then drives away.
3. Fourteen minutes of silence.
4. The boyfriend returns with a bag of White Castles. He parks on the street, eats, broods, smokes cigarettes, listens to hip-hop, and stares bitterly at his girlfriend's house. This is still going on an hour later, when I give up trying to sleep and get up to make coffee.
It is now 4am.
I know it's bad form to post pictures of neighbors online, so I'll refrain from taking photos of the taco stand's nightly customers - swarms of late-night diners with enough cerveza in their systems to think, "Hey, Guys! Let's eat sidewalk tacos from a stand that's run from where that hooker used to live! She didn't have a health department certification, either!" Yup. Instead of tuna tacos, we're now serving tacos with a more traditional filling. I suppose one can still order a "Miss Piggy," but when the pork is served, you get to swallow it...rather than visa-versa.
Up until a year ago, one particular neighbor created a Halloween display so large, he began setting it up in July - to make sure it was in place by October. Though a plumber by trade, this dude clearly missed his calling as a B-movie special effects coordinator. Every August, his yard became snaked with electrical and hydraulic cables - and a theme that was anything but child-friendly. At three in the afternoon on any given September weekday, grade school children passed his house and triggered motion sensors that were aimed at the sidewalk. What followed was a literal horror show, as his yard became the set of Son of Svengoolie with screaming werewolves, blood-spurting vampires, and a skeleton (cuffed to an electric chair) shaking in spasmodic pelvic-thrusts. The worst was a zombie secured to a table with a spinning circular saw between its legs. The straps were actually black leather restraints, the kind you'd find in Christian Grey's playroom - or Patrick Swayze's dungeon in Donny Darko. By the time Halloween night arrived, the display encompassed the neighbor's entire yard, and the only thing he needed to add was dry ice in the moat.
I'll admit, the decorations were pretty cool...if only they hadn't been up for three months. Sadly, last year marked his final Halloween display, as the decision to fund decorations - rather than pay his mortgage - finally caught up to him.
Zillow gives us extra points for proximity to parks & bike trails. I wonder if they'd do the same for being near dining & late night entertainment?