Think about American Horror Story's beautiful red brick three-story, or the rambling Winchester house in San Jose, California. Haunted houses are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, typically priced far below Zillow value. How else could a struggling family of four afford an eight-bedroom Colonial with a solarium, greenhouse, and a necropolis? Sure, the last six owners were all found dead in the ductwork, but can you believe these crown moldings? The sconces? The hand carved gargoyles? A union plumber can stop those toilets from flushing red, and once all those children's cadavers are exhumed from the basement - and we catch that little Asian girl who crawls across the ceiling - you can totally make this place a home. Just sign here...
I don't understand how Jim Bakker is still on the air, considering the scandal that brought down his first TV ministry. Does no one remember Heritage USA? The gross misuse of funds? Tammy Faye sobbing that her checking account was down to her last $42,000.00 - and she just didn't know how long that was going to last? Of all of television's crooked/fallen reverends, how did Jim Bakker end up back on TV (and doing the same god damn thing that he did 30 years ago)? "For just a gift of $500, you and your family will get $200 worth of food. But, hurry - the Rapture is right around the corner."
Continuing to flip the channels, I ended up watching the news. Fire seemed to be the headline's theme, including ISIS Burning a Jordanian pilot alive, a Taiwanese plane exploding after clipping an overpass, and the fiery crash of a New York City subway. Is this the hellfire & brimstone Bakker is predicting? I thought, or was it just a typical modern news day? Whatever the case, I wished I was in the comfort of a big haunted house - where the flickering shadows from the fireplace were far more disturbing than Shepherd Smith's expression.
So, my sick-day has left me with many unanswered questions...and as I type this, I have no answers. Why do people flee haunted houses? Why is Jim Bakker still on the air (and is anyone else creeped out that he empties his testicles inside a Tammy Faye twin)? Add ISIS into the mix - and an accident that will certainly be covered in next season's National a Geographic: Air Crash Investigation - and I'm tempted to call in sick tomorrow as well - not because I'm scared, but because I reeeeeeeeeeeally want to watch more TV.
I don't care if the news shows nothing but wall-to-wall brimstone, as long as I have counter-programming options - other than watching Jim Bakker get eaten on air by demons. I suspect the apocalypse will be best enjoyed with a James Bond or Ab Fab marathon. And if I do put any food aside for the Rapture, you can damn sure be certain it will be a skid of whiskey, rather than Ponctious Pilate's Pizza Puffs, for a gift to a charlatan of $500. I'll spend the extra $ to watch the world's end on TV.
The ghosts can bring the popcorn.