"The Murder House," American Horror Story - Season One
I've never understood why people flee their haunted houses after the evil is gone. I mean, most haunted homes are truly stunning properties, and after all the money spent hiring exterminators, priests, and paranormal investigators, it seems such a waste to leave it all behind. Especially when they finally know you by name at Home Depot.
Think about American Horror Story's beautiful red brick three-story, or the rambling Winchester house in San Jose, California. Haunted houses are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, typically priced far below Zillow value. How else could a struggling family of four afford an eight-bedroom Colonial with a solarium, greenhouse, and a necropolis? Sure, the last six owners were all found dead in the ductwork, but can you believe these crown moldings? The sconces? The hand carved gargoyles? A union plumber can stop those toilets from flushing red, and once all those children's cadavers are exhumed from the basement - and we catch that little Asian girl who crawls across the ceiling - you can totally make this place a home. Just sign here...
Think about American Horror Story's beautiful red brick three-story, or the rambling Winchester house in San Jose, California. Haunted houses are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, typically priced far below Zillow value. How else could a struggling family of four afford an eight-bedroom Colonial with a solarium, greenhouse, and a necropolis? Sure, the last six owners were all found dead in the ductwork, but can you believe these crown moldings? The sconces? The hand carved gargoyles? A union plumber can stop those toilets from flushing red, and once all those children's cadavers are exhumed from the basement - and we catch that little Asian girl who crawls across the ceiling - you can totally make this place a home. Just sign here...
Tammy Faye's Final Interview I don't get sick very often, but this week I spent a day in bed with a stomach bug. After dozing through a couple of haunted house movies on Chiller, I somehow ended up on the new Jim Bakker show. Jesus...Christ. What is this man still doing on TV? I remember the PTL scandal from the 80s - the air conditioned dog house, the fleet of Cadillac SeVilles, the shameful way the Bakkers begged for money - and when Jim finally went to jail, I thought his career was over. His wife Tammy had a brief resurgence with Monroe from Too Close For Comfort in the 90s, but she never returned to her former stardom...and died within hours of her final CNN interview. And, wow - what an interview! Tammy Faye Bakker looked like a Spitting Image puppet. Or a piece of beef jerky with a wig and fake eyebrows.
The Current Jim Baker Show Anyway, as I watched Jim Bakker, it took a good 90 seconds for me to figure out who he was. Back in the 80s, I remember him wearing striped Chess King sweaters and Liberace hair...but the Bakker on my television looked completely different, like a farmer - bald, flannel shirt, with something that resembled a John Deer cap. He was quiet and soft-spoken, paired with a Tammy Faye lookalike (pre-cancer) - who I later learned was his wife. A third host was also on the show, a Chris Christie-shaped salesman who was talking about Mother Mary's Mac n' Cheese. Apparently for the last two years, the new Jim Bakker show has been hawking survivalist food-packs in anticipation for the Rapture. "The streets may be engulfed in the fires of hell, but at least your family will enjoy a nutritious meal - all for just a small donation to the Bakker ministry." Judging from Lori Bakker's Joan Rivers-like face, donations have been previously accepted in Botox.
I don't understand how Jim Bakker is still on the air, considering the scandal that brought down his first TV ministry. Does no one remember Heritage USA? The gross misuse of funds? Tammy Faye sobbing that her checking account was down to her last $42,000.00 - and she just didn't know how long that was going to last? Of all of television's crooked/fallen reverends, how did Jim Bakker end up back on TV (and doing the same god damn thing that he did 30 years ago)? "For just a gift of $500, you and your family will get $200 worth of food. But, hurry - the Rapture is right around the corner."
I don't understand how Jim Bakker is still on the air, considering the scandal that brought down his first TV ministry. Does no one remember Heritage USA? The gross misuse of funds? Tammy Faye sobbing that her checking account was down to her last $42,000.00 - and she just didn't know how long that was going to last? Of all of television's crooked/fallen reverends, how did Jim Bakker end up back on TV (and doing the same god damn thing that he did 30 years ago)? "For just a gift of $500, you and your family will get $200 worth of food. But, hurry - the Rapture is right around the corner."
I couldn't help but laugh as Lori Bakker explained that food will become our post-apocalyptic currency. "Once Christ calls his children back, your Visa will stop working...So you'll need to find some other way to purchase goods." Excuse me Mrs. Bakker, but once Christ calls his children back, won't your audience be...gone? Perhaps the Bakkers should be the ones stocking up on Holy Cinnamon Rollers & Jesus Juice.
Continuing to flip the channels, I ended up watching the news. Fire seemed to be the headline's theme, including ISIS Burning a Jordanian pilot alive, a Taiwanese plane exploding after clipping an overpass, and the fiery crash of a New York City subway. Is this the hellfire & brimstone Bakker is predicting? I thought, or was it just a typical modern news day? Whatever the case, I wished I was in the comfort of a big haunted house - where the flickering shadows from the fireplace were far more disturbing than Shepherd Smith's expression.
Continuing to flip the channels, I ended up watching the news. Fire seemed to be the headline's theme, including ISIS Burning a Jordanian pilot alive, a Taiwanese plane exploding after clipping an overpass, and the fiery crash of a New York City subway. Is this the hellfire & brimstone Bakker is predicting? I thought, or was it just a typical modern news day? Whatever the case, I wished I was in the comfort of a big haunted house - where the flickering shadows from the fireplace were far more disturbing than Shepherd Smith's expression.
Jim & Tammy, late 1980s I've written before about how easy it is to get caught up in bad news, but have you ever noticed that ghosts are unaffected? I mean sure, you've got the occasional possession, demonic presence, or puppetized closet vagina monster (from Poltergeist), but 99% of the time, the haunting never extends beyond the house. And even better, most ghosts seem to be trapped in the magnificent past. They rattle sterling silver chains in Edwardian dining rooms, and they haunt the same halls that we see on Downton Abbey. I mention this because most spirits seem to be trapped within times much better than our own. In all my years of watching horror movies, I've never once seen a sticky wet Asian girl climb up out of a well (and then through a television screen) and complain about the war on terror. Not even once.
So, my sick-day has left me with many unanswered questions...and as I type this, I have no answers. Why do people flee haunted houses? Why is Jim Bakker still on the air (and is anyone else creeped out that he empties his testicles inside a Tammy Faye twin)? Add ISIS into the mix - and an accident that will certainly be covered in next season's National a Geographic: Air Crash Investigation - and I'm tempted to call in sick tomorrow as well - not because I'm scared, but because I reeeeeeeeeeeally want to watch more TV.
So, my sick-day has left me with many unanswered questions...and as I type this, I have no answers. Why do people flee haunted houses? Why is Jim Bakker still on the air (and is anyone else creeped out that he empties his testicles inside a Tammy Faye twin)? Add ISIS into the mix - and an accident that will certainly be covered in next season's National a Geographic: Air Crash Investigation - and I'm tempted to call in sick tomorrow as well - not because I'm scared, but because I reeeeeeeeeeeally want to watch more TV.
The Winchester House But what I really want to do is find a nice haunted house of my own. Something spectacular, with an attic as big as the basement. I don't care if people were murdered there. So long as the garden is nice, the kitchen has counter space - and the wallpaper cleans up after itself, once it's done bleeding. And if I do happen to die in the house - from the ghosts, Rapture, or terrorist attack - at least I'll know that my spirit will live forever inside a fabulous home. I don't mind if time never changes, so long as the new owners don't rearrange my furniture. And as for TV, my only request is that my home's new/living owners spring for a primo cable package.
I don't care if the news shows nothing but wall-to-wall brimstone, as long as I have counter-programming options - other than watching Jim Bakker get eaten on air by demons. I suspect the apocalypse will be best enjoyed with a James Bond or Ab Fab marathon. And if I do put any food aside for the Rapture, you can damn sure be certain it will be a skid of whiskey, rather than Ponctious Pilate's Pizza Puffs, for a gift to a charlatan of $500. I'll spend the extra $ to watch the world's end on TV.
The ghosts can bring the popcorn.
I don't care if the news shows nothing but wall-to-wall brimstone, as long as I have counter-programming options - other than watching Jim Bakker get eaten on air by demons. I suspect the apocalypse will be best enjoyed with a James Bond or Ab Fab marathon. And if I do put any food aside for the Rapture, you can damn sure be certain it will be a skid of whiskey, rather than Ponctious Pilate's Pizza Puffs, for a gift to a charlatan of $500. I'll spend the extra $ to watch the world's end on TV.
The ghosts can bring the popcorn.