One of the many "office calendar cartoons" I drew for Handy Andy's 1995 Going Out of Business sale.
THUNDERCLOUDS RUMBLED IN THE DISTANCE one fine summer morning, as I stood in the debris-filled parking lot, lighting a cigarette. The year was 1995, and I was working as an Area Manager for Handy Andy Home Improvement Centers, the largest Home Improvement chain in the Chicago area at the time. It had been an active year for tornadoes, and several had touched down overnight. As luck would have it, *I* was the day's opening manager, and I could already tell that my shift would be a busy one. Part of our exterior sign had fallen in the previous night's wind; the word "Andy" lay shattered within our fenced Lawn & Garden Department. The phone was already ringing when I entered the building, and I could hear numerous dripping roof leaks in the darkness of the sales floor. When I answered the telephone, the call-offs began: several of my employees had damage to their houses, and had to stay home to make insurance claims. I also got a call from "Less," the Assistant Manager. Less had been going through a messy divorce, and I could tell that he had been up all night drinking. "I'm running a little late," he slurred, audibly lighting a Pall Mall on the phone. "You should put the generators up front today. The shop-vac's too." I complied, got the store open with what staff I had, and began the process of calling repairmen - and filling out incident reports for the property damage.
Why are these monogrammed, "H Biden?" In addition to the storm, I remember that year clearly for two reasons: 1 - it was the year Home Depot arrived to the market (and wiped our entire company out of business in less than 12 months); and 2 - that was the year OJ was found "not-guilty." The Simpson trial played out in the background as our company scrambled to get ready for Home Depot's arrival. In 1995, Handy Andy had been in business for decades. We were used to being the ONLY big hardware store in Chicago, and our business model hadn't been updated since the 70's. Employees were "territorial," and refused cross an aisle to help a customer in a different department. Salaried salesmen were predatorial, and worked on commission - often stealing customers from hourly employees. Even though the store wasn't unionized, the whole place had a "union" attitude and spoke openly about things they didn't like about the company. The cashiers were gossipy. Everyone made crude jokes. The way male employees treated female employees would be totally unacceptable by today's HR standards, and when I think back to the things we said to each other, I wince. The entire store felt as though it were trapped in the past, especially with the 50s/60s music we played on the sales floor. As the Depot's approaching stores were new, uniform & organized, no two Handy Andy's were alike; one of our stores was actually a repurposed bowling alley, and its wooden floors *creaked* when customers walked on them. Our last year of business was spent frantically cleaning up the place, and patching the many OSHA violations that plagued our aging buildings.
Our last year in business. Our store was an OSHA nightmare.
As Home Depot started to open stores, Handy Andy began closing stores. My location was in the first round of cuts, and while a ragtag group of Chicagoland locations still clung onto survival, my own became a liquidation sale. It was actually kind of fun for me. I was a young 25, so I had plenty of time to find another management job. (Rather than unemployment, I just got a restaurant gig in the meantime - which paid considerably more). Consequently, I was in the position to *enjoy* the GOING OUT OF BUSINESS sale, and that I did as you can tell from all the cartoons I drew. (All seven of my Handy Andy comics are available under the "Dave's Cartoons" tab above, btw.) From the moment we learned the OJ Trial's verdict, our company's final months were hysterical. Both corporate & retail employees had the same dead-eyed stare that you can see right now behind Karine Jean-Pierre's beautiful eyeshadow, during daily press conferences. "There's nothing to see here" was our business's attitude when our corporate staff was slashed in HALF without any notice. Then, like "Flippy's" Happy Tree Friends flashbacks, our vested hourly employees began disappearing one-by-one, while the Liquidator made Draconian cuts to payroll, keeping only the lowest-paid staff. As the last manager standing, it was my responsibility to keep the registers running - and the aisles somewhat free from debris. Our store fell apart. We couldn't afford a cleaning service anymore, so the bathrooms stunk like urine. Nobody cared about anything, and the more aisles we sold/closed off, the ruder both staff & customers became. Towards the end, it devolved into a free-for-all, a Saigon-like evacuation of the Liquidator, and a handful of remaining staff. In many ways, it mirrored what's happening now in the Biden White House - as the cat's outta' the bag with our Commander & Chief's cognitive decline. Like an old store with a looming closing date, the Biden Administration knows it's days are numbered.
"The President did NOT fall asleep; he was meditating!" "COMMA, COMMA, COMMA down, doobie-doo down-down," played on my Bose Wave Radio this morning as I briefly paused on the 50s/60s station, while looking for something to listen to. I already had Fox News on in the background, and I was getting ready for my new job, managing a public storage facility. It was fitting to hear oldies music when watching Karine Jean-Pierre's "Baghdad Bob" impression while pressed with questions about Biden's obvious mental decline. After his debate performance, it's clear that our President is not fit for office, and that his staff has been hiding this situation for years. It was fun watching Karine bend, twist, and contort herself while attempting to answer reporters' questions about Joe's cognitive state. As expected, she went on the attack; her denials reminded me of Johnnie Cochran in the nineties, in how she deflected growing evidence that her client (Joe) wasn't guilty of growing old. I'll spare you the debate-analysis; it's already been done in the media. What I will say is that, unlike Clinton's Press Secretary in the 90s, Jean-Pierre has a *real* problem on her hands. Biden's dementia (?) has become such an issue, even the Liberal Media is calling for his resignation. Commentators on CNN, MSNBC, and the big three networks are united in unison, with Joe's mental state now included in their talking points. Coupled with that, the dangers overseas have grown with ferocity, and if there ever was a time for the United States to intervene, this is it. But our current President can barely walk up a flight of stairs, let alone make hard decisions about the potential of war. China🔥, Russia🔥, North Korea🔥, The Middle East🔥 - all of these places can "go nuclear" at any time. But our current administration isn't capable of wielding US might, and for that reason, the world has become a very dangerous place. Gone are the claims that "Biden is full of energy behind closed doors." It honestly gives me h i v e s to know how serious this is, but the media seems to have finally caught on - and is actively calling for Biden to step aside for the next election.
Quite frankly, this is too little, too late.
Quite frankly, this is too little, too late.
"Bwa, ha ha ha ha...!" I just don't understand how Liberals can't see how dangerous the world has become. This thought is magnified by the talk of making Kamala Harris the Democratic nominee before the Chicago convention in August. Now, THAT'S gonna' be a shit-show. As a resident of liberal Chicago, I can already imagine what kind of Spielberg-esque spectacle the Dem's have planned for August. With Joe's sad performance after eight days of debate-prep, I expect to see a dais packed with the predictable: Pelosi 🤮. Schumer 🤮. Obama 🤮. The Clintons 🤮. The squad 🤮. When I think about how little our "Border Tsar" has accomplished these past four years, it's no wonder when you consider that her boss was *literally* asleep. Shh! - Don't wake up Joe because China wants Taiwan and Russia is aggressively rebuilding the Soviet empire. Don't *nudge* the President when the DPRK launches missiles into the Sea of Japan, or when Hezbollah fires rockets into Tel Aviv. Did Joe even notice that Putin paid Kim a visit on the despot's own turf a few weeks back? And how about that border, Madame Border Tsar? Have you given Arizona a visit? Checked out a yarn store in Phoenix? Enjoyed an ice cream shop in Scottsdale, perhaps? Have you done ANYTHING that a voter can rattle off as an accomplishment? Sure, Joe's mental decline is worrisome, but the thought of a Harris Administration is chilling. This woman is as competent to run a country as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (who reminds me of "Janice" from the Muppets, btw), and if she really does get the Democratic nomination, that all but guarantees a Republican victory with Trump.
Again, for the Liberals, it's too little, too late.
Again, for the Liberals, it's too little, too late.
Dictator on Day One. "I WILL BE DICTATOR ON DAY ONE," Donald often trumpets during his MAGA gatherings, leading to cheers from the crowd. This statement scares the *shit* out of Democrats, and it's fun to watch them scramble on television with shaky voices and carefully-edited Trump sound bites. As of today, they're still caught up on Donald's "dictator" comment, refusing to show the second part of Trump's sentence: "But only on day one!" Add to that, Hillary's written yet another memoir: something lost, something gained. (Kind of sounds like Capote's "Other Voices, Other Rooms," doesn't it?) According to Amazon, Clinton's book is about "Reflections on Life, Love, and Liberty." Kudos on the alliteration I guess, but does anyone reeeeeeally care what Hill's been up to since penning her third autobiography? (I seem to remember she drank a lot of Chardonnay.) I mean, how much more can she say? Does her book have recipes? Puzzles? Is it a *pop up*, with a special chapter on her husband? This is the part that I really miss from my seventeen years with Barnes & Noble: I'm not current with new titles. I have a hard enough time keeping up with Preston & Child, so I'm not "in the know" with what customers are saying about Hillary's book. That being said, I do pay attention to Amazon, so I have a good idea of what political titles are available.
But back to the Orange Man, when you think about Trump's "dictator" comment, you really have to wonder how seriously the Liberals are taking him. Do they honestly think he's Hitler? It would actually reassure me if they did, because that means that at least SOME Democrats still remember their history books. Considering the condition of the border, Donald NEEDS to be a dictator for a day to scare the hell out of everyone - illegals, the leaders of other countries, Liberals. Our country is in such terrible shape, our next President *literally* has to be a bully-in-the-safe-space, and YANK everyone back into exceptionalism - no matter how many feelings he hurts. I'll save you the diatribe, especially as I've already covered my opinions in previous blogs, but I will say that the current state of our nation is no less than terrifying. People have grown lazy, both physically & intellectually. We're so distracted by social media & Woke-selfishness that most of the current generation doesn't pay attention to the news. Putin, Jinping, & Kim Jong UGH are all *literal* dictators - and they're aggressively expanding their empires with Ukraine, Taiwan, and South Korea, respectfully. All of these countries have horrendous human rights records, and they make no secret they do not like the West.
Now, add President Biden into the mix - a man that even the media admits has senior moments - and this world is almost ready to explode, without strong American leadership. I think we all can agree that Joe can't do the job, unless Jill Biden is doing an Edith Bolling Galt Wilson sorta' thing. (Didn't you just love her black "Vote" dress, btw?) Annnnnnd, who does that leave us? Kamala doesn't strike me as an "aggressive" second-in-command. To me, she channels Hillary every time she wears a pantsuit, and her only accomplishment I can think of off the top of my head is the fact that she has fewer "gaffes" than Joe Biden - and she does a better job thinking on her feet. The only time I really see her in the media, is to be a distraction to something Joe has done - like her post-debate appearances. She's become more vocal in her last few major video/sound-bites, and it's clear she's being prepared to have an Oval Office chair shoved up her H&M trousers, just...in...case. The Democrats have backed themselves into a corner with this one. If the situation weren't so serious, it would be LOL-funny. But the situation IS unsettling: our sitting President is unfit for office, and his second-in-command isn't much better. Even worse - and I know this isn't PC, but I'm just going to say it - can you imagine that Kamala Harris might be both our first female - and black - President? With her level of competence? Remember that Putin/Kim visit mentioned above? And China? And the Middle East? And the border? What we're looking at is *The Perfect Storm* of opportunity for our adversaries, and I'm deeply concerned that if the rumors of Biden's resignation are true, we may see sudden changes with territories overseas.
But back to the Orange Man, when you think about Trump's "dictator" comment, you really have to wonder how seriously the Liberals are taking him. Do they honestly think he's Hitler? It would actually reassure me if they did, because that means that at least SOME Democrats still remember their history books. Considering the condition of the border, Donald NEEDS to be a dictator for a day to scare the hell out of everyone - illegals, the leaders of other countries, Liberals. Our country is in such terrible shape, our next President *literally* has to be a bully-in-the-safe-space, and YANK everyone back into exceptionalism - no matter how many feelings he hurts. I'll save you the diatribe, especially as I've already covered my opinions in previous blogs, but I will say that the current state of our nation is no less than terrifying. People have grown lazy, both physically & intellectually. We're so distracted by social media & Woke-selfishness that most of the current generation doesn't pay attention to the news. Putin, Jinping, & Kim Jong UGH are all *literal* dictators - and they're aggressively expanding their empires with Ukraine, Taiwan, and South Korea, respectfully. All of these countries have horrendous human rights records, and they make no secret they do not like the West.
Now, add President Biden into the mix - a man that even the media admits has senior moments - and this world is almost ready to explode, without strong American leadership. I think we all can agree that Joe can't do the job, unless Jill Biden is doing an Edith Bolling Galt Wilson sorta' thing. (Didn't you just love her black "Vote" dress, btw?) Annnnnnd, who does that leave us? Kamala doesn't strike me as an "aggressive" second-in-command. To me, she channels Hillary every time she wears a pantsuit, and her only accomplishment I can think of off the top of my head is the fact that she has fewer "gaffes" than Joe Biden - and she does a better job thinking on her feet. The only time I really see her in the media, is to be a distraction to something Joe has done - like her post-debate appearances. She's become more vocal in her last few major video/sound-bites, and it's clear she's being prepared to have an Oval Office chair shoved up her H&M trousers, just...in...case. The Democrats have backed themselves into a corner with this one. If the situation weren't so serious, it would be LOL-funny. But the situation IS unsettling: our sitting President is unfit for office, and his second-in-command isn't much better. Even worse - and I know this isn't PC, but I'm just going to say it - can you imagine that Kamala Harris might be both our first female - and black - President? With her level of competence? Remember that Putin/Kim visit mentioned above? And China? And the Middle East? And the border? What we're looking at is *The Perfect Storm* of opportunity for our adversaries, and I'm deeply concerned that if the rumors of Biden's resignation are true, we may see sudden changes with territories overseas.
Our nation is BROKE. IT'S FUNNY HOW MUCH our nation's current state reminds me of Handy Andy's last few months of business. The store was dirty, the displays were falling apart, and the staff didn't give a rat's ass whether a customer had a good experience or not. Our employer was closing. It was every man for himself. And the dirty little secret was that it all could have been avoided, had Handy Andy changed its business model before Home Depot was even on the radar. The chain had the chance to endear itself to customers, to use its quirky stores as a way to bond with the community. The company could have followed the path of Menards, a chain that survived the Depot, and found a way to thrive. But it stubbornly clung to outdated practices that ultimately led to its demise. Handy Andy didn't have to close. It just had the wrong leadership, and by the time it realized that fact, it was too little, too late. Many people lost their jobs, and ultimately went to work for our competitors - and several are still there, today. That's actually a great metaphor for what's happening in America now - a superpower that's lost its way, and is close to losing its world standing. We're about to be *absorbed* by stronger adversaries, and once that happens - slowly, very slowly - we'll lose the freedom that we've all taken for granted. This is not the time for a feeble President, or an ineffective Vice President, should Kamala take Joe's place. We are in a pivotal place in history, and the leaders we elect now will be the first to govern as we explore the heavens with public & private space programs. This is a time when we need a strong President, and not a man who falls asleep during reelection strategy meetings - or a Vice President whose laugh sounds methodical.
We have entered the 🌎Age of Aquarius🌍, and the dawn of both quantum computing & commercial space travel. As a capitalist nation, the United States is at this era's epicenter - but we'll never reach our full potential without competent leaders who have a vision for the future. Assuming we're not at war yet, our next President will shape our country's destiny for generations to come - so, who we pick this coming November is crucial.
The only good thing if Kamala *does* run for President, is that Donald has prior experience defeating a pantsuit.✨
- Sir Dave
We have entered the 🌎Age of Aquarius🌍, and the dawn of both quantum computing & commercial space travel. As a capitalist nation, the United States is at this era's epicenter - but we'll never reach our full potential without competent leaders who have a vision for the future. Assuming we're not at war yet, our next President will shape our country's destiny for generations to come - so, who we pick this coming November is crucial.
The only good thing if Kamala *does* run for President, is that Donald has prior experience defeating a pantsuit.✨
- Sir Dave