So, I finally got around to watching Nicholas Cage in "Left Behind" on Netflix. Though I didn't find the film as bad as critics say, I can understand why it got such harsh reviews: Left Behind took some of the greatest source material ever, and reduced it to a two-hour episode of Air Crash Investigation. I'm familiar with Jenkins/LaHaye's books - I actually read the first 6 back in the nineties - and though I disagree with their interpretation of the Rapture, it's great human drama. As frequently mentioned in this blog, I genuinely believe that within the next two years, humanity will experience an "event" that temporarily disrupts the flow of goods and services - and forever change the way we view our place in the universe. Prophecies like the "Rapture" are just religion's way of describing the same event. From aliens on the White House lawn to "Hi" McDunnough crash landing a plane after his daughter clears the runway of port-o-potties, it's all the same thing. The shit is going to splash the cockpit windshield, no matter who's flying the plane.
 Galaxy Quest's "rock people." |  Noah's "rock people." |
Netflix rocks. It's the perfect place to catch all those movies that you didn't want to pay for in theaters. I'm a big Netflix "ironer" - that is, I love to stream films while I iron my work clothes. It makes me feel a little better for being such a television junkie. I never actually sit down to watch a show...rather, I multi-task...ironing, cleaning, doing dishes...and carrying my iPad from room to room, always with a video on in the background. Right now for example, I'm half watching/listening to "Noah" as I write this blog. After Left Behind, I'm in the mood for some world's-end Biblical bullshit, and Noah fits the bill nicely. It's funny. Having grown up Catholic - and having heard the Bible's stories since my days at Little Flower Parish the early 70s - I had no idea that the Rock People from Galaxy Quest helped Noah build his ark. Who knew?
The one thing that I've never understood about the Noah myth is the whole "one boy, one girl" animal concept. If the ark is meant to repopulate the Earth, then doesn't having only two of each species mean that life will start with incest? Though I appreciate Noah's efforts, the whole premise of the ark is a recipe for birth defects and peeing in the gene pool. I mean, why bother saving all the animals when they're just going to end up looking like something from the lab of South Park's Dr. Alphonse Mephesto? Seriously, I had no idea that the Darwin Awards started so early.
The one thing that I've never understood about the Noah myth is the whole "one boy, one girl" animal concept. If the ark is meant to repopulate the Earth, then doesn't having only two of each species mean that life will start with incest? Though I appreciate Noah's efforts, the whole premise of the ark is a recipe for birth defects and peeing in the gene pool. I mean, why bother saving all the animals when they're just going to end up looking like something from the lab of South Park's Dr. Alphonse Mephesto? Seriously, I had no idea that the Darwin Awards started so early.
It's interesting to see the increase in religious-themed films that have been released over the past few years. From Left Behind and Noah, to productions like Mary released overseas...big religion has become big box-office, and at the very least, these movies are interesting because they're out of the norm. I'm an agnostic myself, but I have no problem with the resurgence of evangelical films; there's clearly an audience for these movies, and it's nice to see big-budget adaptations of stories without all the car chases. Whenever I think of religious flicks, I'm immediately brought back - again - to Little Flower Parish, 1975. My first exposure to Christ on the big screen was the film The Ten Commandments, chopped up into 20-minute segments and shown in religion class, on old projectors. I remember Yule Brenner riding a chariot, and Moses parting the Red Sea in the days before CGI. The Bible looked so "colorful" back then, mainly do to 1950s-era Technicolor, but Noah was just the opposite. Everything was bleak, brown, and Stalinist grey. At least Left Behind was smart enough to light its sets on fire, so even in the scenes where God wasn't so angry, like hell, something was always burning in the background. That's good TV.
Now, I know this might come as a shock to you, but I'm fairly certain that in the event of a Rapture, I'm going to be left behind. And it's because I ask too many questions, and have a hard time taking things seriously - particularly when people are panicking. Had I been on Cage's plane when the righteous disappeared, the first thing out of my mouth would have been, "God dammit. The Catholics were right." I then would have grabbed the drink cart as it rolled down the aisle (minus its stewardess who was wearing a gold crucifix only moments ago) and poured myself a stiff whiskey & Coke before starting with the questions: "Soooo...If we just hit another plane - and lost our elevators, vertical stabilizers, and half our fuel - then HOW the fuck are we still in the air? I watch Air Crash Investigation. I know that midair collisions rarely end well for either plane." I then would have banged on the cockpit door and demanded to know why Captain Steel was so calm. "Hey! Denzel Washington! Are you even awake right now?" Clearly, the Ghostrider had his own Big Gulp of vodka and OJ...but I just don't buy that NO ONE was available on the trans-Atlantic radio. I mean, if the Airport movies taught us anything, it's that most airline staff are just a bunch of godless heathens - and that was in the 70s. Somebody must have been monitoring the radio, at the very least, watching porn on another screen.
Now, I know this might come as a shock to you, but I'm fairly certain that in the event of a Rapture, I'm going to be left behind. And it's because I ask too many questions, and have a hard time taking things seriously - particularly when people are panicking. Had I been on Cage's plane when the righteous disappeared, the first thing out of my mouth would have been, "God dammit. The Catholics were right." I then would have grabbed the drink cart as it rolled down the aisle (minus its stewardess who was wearing a gold crucifix only moments ago) and poured myself a stiff whiskey & Coke before starting with the questions: "Soooo...If we just hit another plane - and lost our elevators, vertical stabilizers, and half our fuel - then HOW the fuck are we still in the air? I watch Air Crash Investigation. I know that midair collisions rarely end well for either plane." I then would have banged on the cockpit door and demanded to know why Captain Steel was so calm. "Hey! Denzel Washington! Are you even awake right now?" Clearly, the Ghostrider had his own Big Gulp of vodka and OJ...but I just don't buy that NO ONE was available on the trans-Atlantic radio. I mean, if the Airport movies taught us anything, it's that most airline staff are just a bunch of godless heathens - and that was in the 70s. Somebody must have been monitoring the radio, at the very least, watching porn on another screen.
Sigh. We've covered Noah, The Ten Commandments, and the Rapture pretty thoroughly in major film...and that doesn't include all the forgotten movies from days gone by: The Robe, David and Bathsheba, Samson and Delilah, and Mel Gibson's splatterfest. God knows that Sam & Dean have been through Revelations for more than a few television seasons, and I'm still leading the charge for Shatner to play GOD on Supernatural's final episode. There's also a really cool FX show called Dig that explores the darker side of biblical prophecy. The Bible has no shortage of human suffering to base new cable pilots from...and neither do the Left Behind books, now up to 16 volumes. Jenkins & LaHaye sometimes remind me of V.C.Andrews - and I often wonder if they'll continue writing long after they're raptured, themselves.
But when it comes to new films that are based on the Bible, I might suggest that less is more - and remind everyone of the very first made-for-HBO movie: Glory! Glory! The film was surprisingly good - the Behind the Candelabra of 1989 - and it accomplished its goal without Nicolas Cage, and without the fire & brimstone of Heaven's special effects crew. Glory! Glory! is all but forgotten now. You'd be lucky to find it on VHS in a dusty e-bay auction. And that's really a shame because the movie proves that religion can be fun, especially when you embrace its quirks - and stop cramming prophecy down people's throats. Glory! Glory! is one of those little gems of the past, from a time when it was okay to make fun of religion. And LOOK who it starred: John Boy, for Christ's sake! And that chick who played "Audra" in Little Shop of Horrors.
Sadly, it seems that Nick Cage won't be returning for Left Behind Two - in the same way the entire cast ran screaming from Atlas Shrugged II, and later, Atlas Shrugged Part III. Such a pity. I was really hoping to see Ben Sanderson land a Boeing 747 under the red flaming skies of Baghdad around the ninth or tenth LB book. But there are other actors available. Richard Thomas comes to mind immediately. Shatner is too old of course, but maybe one of the newer captains - like Patrick Stewart or Scott Bacula. Chuckling. I'm sure Hollywood will make the end of times fun, whoever ends up flying the plane.
Unless, of course, it turns out to be Travolta - which means the Scientologists were right all along.
Sadly, it seems that Nick Cage won't be returning for Left Behind Two - in the same way the entire cast ran screaming from Atlas Shrugged II, and later, Atlas Shrugged Part III. Such a pity. I was really hoping to see Ben Sanderson land a Boeing 747 under the red flaming skies of Baghdad around the ninth or tenth LB book. But there are other actors available. Richard Thomas comes to mind immediately. Shatner is too old of course, but maybe one of the newer captains - like Patrick Stewart or Scott Bacula. Chuckling. I'm sure Hollywood will make the end of times fun, whoever ends up flying the plane.
Unless, of course, it turns out to be Travolta - which means the Scientologists were right all along.
