It's three in the morning when my neighbor's boyfriend rolls in from partying...and as my bedroom window overlooks their driveway, I hear the events that follow:
1. Car pulls up, rap music playing. A beer can falls onto the pavement when the driver's side door opens/closes. A man climbs out - the neighbor's boyfriend. He's early 30s, overweight, unemployed, and dressed like he had been on the prowl (alone). He staggers into the house (where he lives rent free, unless you count the occasional sperm contribution).
2. My neighbor - early 30s, a hardworking single mother and the owner of the house - is unsurprisingly, mad at her boyfriend's behavior. She yells, he yells, a verbal altercation ensues. I hear the phrase, "Bitch, what would you do without me?" My neighbor kicks the boyfriend out (again), and he stumbles down the driveway, throws a beer can at the house, then drives away.
3. Fourteen minutes of silence.
4. The boyfriend returns with a bag of White Castles. He parks on the street, eats, broods, smokes cigarettes, listens to hip-hop, and stares bitterly at his girlfriend's house. This is still going on an hour later, when I give up trying to sleep and get up to make coffee.
It is now 4am.
1. Car pulls up, rap music playing. A beer can falls onto the pavement when the driver's side door opens/closes. A man climbs out - the neighbor's boyfriend. He's early 30s, overweight, unemployed, and dressed like he had been on the prowl (alone). He staggers into the house (where he lives rent free, unless you count the occasional sperm contribution).
2. My neighbor - early 30s, a hardworking single mother and the owner of the house - is unsurprisingly, mad at her boyfriend's behavior. She yells, he yells, a verbal altercation ensues. I hear the phrase, "Bitch, what would you do without me?" My neighbor kicks the boyfriend out (again), and he stumbles down the driveway, throws a beer can at the house, then drives away.
3. Fourteen minutes of silence.
4. The boyfriend returns with a bag of White Castles. He parks on the street, eats, broods, smokes cigarettes, listens to hip-hop, and stares bitterly at his girlfriend's house. This is still going on an hour later, when I give up trying to sleep and get up to make coffee.
It is now 4am.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, my neighbor to the right has been busy fixing up his place - after recently buying it distressed, as a short sale. The house looks passable on the outside (the previous owners had refinished the wooden siding just before foreclosure), but the inside is a shithole...with oddly shaped rooms, a half-assed remodeling job, and a basement with so much water damage, I've seen mold around its windows & vents. Unfortunately, the property is zoned commercial (despite being "shaped" like a house), and in the eight years I've lived next door I've put up with hair salons, a taxi dispatch, a sandwich shop, an Herbalife franchise, and my personal favorite - a prostitute living in the basement apartment just outside my kitchen window. From a property value standpoint, I'm sandwiched between two losing battles, and I can't tell you how many times I've prayed for a foreclosure on my left and a fire on my right. Or two fires, if the arsonist offers a discount.
The latest slam to my neighbor's curb appeal is a portable taco stand - the kind one sees at a state fair food court next to the funnel cakes, corn dogs, and deep fried Twinkies. The rig is metal, as big as a small car, and includes a gas-powered cooking surface large enough to fry a goat. The stand...stinks, from years of grilling chorizo & pork; its griddle has been seasoned by untold gallons of animal blood, and the smell lingers in the air whether tacos are cooking or not...especially when it's warm.
I know it's bad form to post pictures of neighbors online, so I'll refrain from taking photos of the taco stand's nightly customers - swarms of late-night diners with enough cerveza in their systems to think, "Hey, Guys! Let's eat sidewalk tacos from a stand that's run from where that hooker used to live! She didn't have a health department certification, either!" Yup. Instead of tuna tacos, we're now serving tacos with a more traditional filling. I suppose one can still order a "Miss Piggy," but when the pork is served, you get to swallow it...rather than visa-versa.
I know it's bad form to post pictures of neighbors online, so I'll refrain from taking photos of the taco stand's nightly customers - swarms of late-night diners with enough cerveza in their systems to think, "Hey, Guys! Let's eat sidewalk tacos from a stand that's run from where that hooker used to live! She didn't have a health department certification, either!" Yup. Instead of tuna tacos, we're now serving tacos with a more traditional filling. I suppose one can still order a "Miss Piggy," but when the pork is served, you get to swallow it...rather than visa-versa.
In all fairness, my two adjacent neighbors aren't the only folks who routinely raise a finger to our collective Zillow rating. Over the past few years, my street has been home to many home owners' atrocities, including an army-sized collection of plastic frogs, a bakery whose sign literally rotted - and fell - from its storefront, and a home that routinely repairs broken windows with plastic sheeting (rather than glass). One nearby house flies so many Mexican flags, it appears to be the local embassy to Ciudad Juarez. Another home - though the house itself is nice - sports a four piece ensemble of what appears to be old bowling alley furniture on its porch...and in a way that isn't "ironic."
Up until a year ago, one particular neighbor created a Halloween display so large, he began setting it up in July - to make sure it was in place by October. Though a plumber by trade, this dude clearly missed his calling as a B-movie special effects coordinator. Every August, his yard became snaked with electrical and hydraulic cables - and a theme that was anything but child-friendly. At three in the afternoon on any given September weekday, grade school children passed his house and triggered motion sensors that were aimed at the sidewalk. What followed was a literal horror show, as his yard became the set of Son of Svengoolie with screaming werewolves, blood-spurting vampires, and a skeleton (cuffed to an electric chair) shaking in spasmodic pelvic-thrusts. The worst was a zombie secured to a table with a spinning circular saw between its legs. The straps were actually black leather restraints, the kind you'd find in Christian Grey's playroom - or Patrick Swayze's dungeon in Donny Darko. By the time Halloween night arrived, the display encompassed the neighbor's entire yard, and the only thing he needed to add was dry ice in the moat.
I'll admit, the decorations were pretty cool...if only they hadn't been up for three months. Sadly, last year marked his final Halloween display, as the decision to fund decorations - rather than pay his mortgage - finally caught up to him.
Up until a year ago, one particular neighbor created a Halloween display so large, he began setting it up in July - to make sure it was in place by October. Though a plumber by trade, this dude clearly missed his calling as a B-movie special effects coordinator. Every August, his yard became snaked with electrical and hydraulic cables - and a theme that was anything but child-friendly. At three in the afternoon on any given September weekday, grade school children passed his house and triggered motion sensors that were aimed at the sidewalk. What followed was a literal horror show, as his yard became the set of Son of Svengoolie with screaming werewolves, blood-spurting vampires, and a skeleton (cuffed to an electric chair) shaking in spasmodic pelvic-thrusts. The worst was a zombie secured to a table with a spinning circular saw between its legs. The straps were actually black leather restraints, the kind you'd find in Christian Grey's playroom - or Patrick Swayze's dungeon in Donny Darko. By the time Halloween night arrived, the display encompassed the neighbor's entire yard, and the only thing he needed to add was dry ice in the moat.
I'll admit, the decorations were pretty cool...if only they hadn't been up for three months. Sadly, last year marked his final Halloween display, as the decision to fund decorations - rather than pay his mortgage - finally caught up to him.
Anyway, it's starting to get dark - which means my neighbors will be coming out to feed. It's time to lock the windows, bold the doors, turn off the lights and cock my shotgun...and wait for the moonlit song of my neighbor's 3am fight. Maybe, if my neighbor plays his cards right tonight, he'll pick up some tacos beforehand - rather than White Castle later. Whatever the case, when I hear the inevitable "Bitch, what would you do without me?" - at least I'll know the answer: "Well, I guess I'd be pretty damn hungry."
Zillow gives us extra points for proximity to parks & bike trails. I wonder if they'd do the same for being near dining & late night entertainment?
Zillow gives us extra points for proximity to parks & bike trails. I wonder if they'd do the same for being near dining & late night entertainment?
