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Here's a "Denny's" commercial that I'd really like to see:
Cue the music: "Different Strokes For Different Folks"
On the screen: An animated "Denny's" logo, dancing to the music.
Cut to a Denny's parking lot:
A wood-sided station wagon pulls up, and a typical American family of four gets out: black husband, white wife, Hispanic son, and an overweight, blonde, North Korean daughter. "Different Strokes" plays as they enter the restaurant.
Cut to the lobby:
Linda - a gnarly, tattooed, aging biker/hostess - accidentally chokes on her upper plate before grabbing menus and seating the family at a table. Once they're seated, Linda gives the daughter a plastic bucket of "Zoobs" - a Lego-like toy, available for purchase in the restaurant.
A punk with a Mohawk - and a Denny's uniform accessorized with studded leather - slams four glasses of water on the table without speaking a word (though we can clearly hear "Cradle of Filth" on his iPod). The North Korean daughter hisses when her brother tries to touch her Zoobs. The dining room btw, is packed with every possible minority and racial stereotype.
Music: "There is a blue one who can't accept the green one, for living with the fat one, trying to be a skinny one...and different strokes for different folks!"
Mia - a disturbingly short, skinny, Zimbabwe girl with a fro' - introduces herself as the waitress. (She looks like a scary doll.). Unfortunately, Mia's accent is so thick, no one can understand her...so everyone just points to various pictures on the menu. When the wife comments that their table is sticky, Mia shouts angry Voodoo across the dining room - where a busboy is clearing a table. On hearing this, the busboy pushes himself through the dining room - and accidentally rolls over a customer's foot with his wheelchair. Mia literally "runs" the order to the kitchen.
Music: "There is a long hair that doesn't like the short hair, for being such a rich one that will not help the poor one...different strokes, for different folks!"
Cut to kitchen:
The entire food-prep area is staffed with severely-disabled people. Judy - a cook with hooks for hands - is trying to break eggs for omelets. Lucky - a cook with no hands at all - is using his feet to flip and assemble burgers. A cook with psoriasis makes parmesan cheese for spaghetti. A different cook with leprosy loses her wedding ring in the salad lettuce. When she finally finds the ring, she realizes that she's also lost her ring finger.
Cut to the dancing logo:
Voice over, read by Amy Sedaris: "At Denny's, the only thing more diverse than our Grand Slam selection is the incredible diversity of people who make up our restaurant family."
Cut to the dining room:
The family is now eating platters of greasy, deep-fried, ranch, ketchup, and/or syrup-covered food...except for the North-Korean daughter, who is constructing a model of "Camp 14" with both Zoobs and pancakes. In the background, an EXTREMELY effeminate manager is performing flamboyant "table touches" in the dining room. Also, a nun (waiting to be seated) is stealing coins from the March of Dimes display…while a busboy cleans the counter with the same rag that he just used to wipe the floor . When a nearby customer calls this fact to the busboy's attention to this, the employee screams obscenities at her because he can't control his Tourette's.
Cut to the dancing logo:
Sedaris Voice Over: "So, bring your family to Denny's today…and let US do the cookin', so you can just relax. (Chuckling, then adding:) We'll even do the dishes for you" -
Fast cut to the restaurant's dishwashing machine:
A profoundly-retarded teenager looks directly at the camera and shouts, "TIMMY!"
Cut to the parking lot:
The gay manager waves hysterically while the family drives away - as sexually-explicit, interracial rap music blares from their dashboard radio.
Music: "'Cause I ammmmmmmmm everyday people..."
The dancing logo takes a bow in the corner.
Fade to black.
Cue the music: "Different Strokes For Different Folks"
On the screen: An animated "Denny's" logo, dancing to the music.
Cut to a Denny's parking lot:
A wood-sided station wagon pulls up, and a typical American family of four gets out: black husband, white wife, Hispanic son, and an overweight, blonde, North Korean daughter. "Different Strokes" plays as they enter the restaurant.
Cut to the lobby:
Linda - a gnarly, tattooed, aging biker/hostess - accidentally chokes on her upper plate before grabbing menus and seating the family at a table. Once they're seated, Linda gives the daughter a plastic bucket of "Zoobs" - a Lego-like toy, available for purchase in the restaurant.
A punk with a Mohawk - and a Denny's uniform accessorized with studded leather - slams four glasses of water on the table without speaking a word (though we can clearly hear "Cradle of Filth" on his iPod). The North Korean daughter hisses when her brother tries to touch her Zoobs. The dining room btw, is packed with every possible minority and racial stereotype.
Music: "There is a blue one who can't accept the green one, for living with the fat one, trying to be a skinny one...and different strokes for different folks!"
Mia - a disturbingly short, skinny, Zimbabwe girl with a fro' - introduces herself as the waitress. (She looks like a scary doll.). Unfortunately, Mia's accent is so thick, no one can understand her...so everyone just points to various pictures on the menu. When the wife comments that their table is sticky, Mia shouts angry Voodoo across the dining room - where a busboy is clearing a table. On hearing this, the busboy pushes himself through the dining room - and accidentally rolls over a customer's foot with his wheelchair. Mia literally "runs" the order to the kitchen.
Music: "There is a long hair that doesn't like the short hair, for being such a rich one that will not help the poor one...different strokes, for different folks!"
Cut to kitchen:
The entire food-prep area is staffed with severely-disabled people. Judy - a cook with hooks for hands - is trying to break eggs for omelets. Lucky - a cook with no hands at all - is using his feet to flip and assemble burgers. A cook with psoriasis makes parmesan cheese for spaghetti. A different cook with leprosy loses her wedding ring in the salad lettuce. When she finally finds the ring, she realizes that she's also lost her ring finger.
Cut to the dancing logo:
Voice over, read by Amy Sedaris: "At Denny's, the only thing more diverse than our Grand Slam selection is the incredible diversity of people who make up our restaurant family."
Cut to the dining room:
The family is now eating platters of greasy, deep-fried, ranch, ketchup, and/or syrup-covered food...except for the North-Korean daughter, who is constructing a model of "Camp 14" with both Zoobs and pancakes. In the background, an EXTREMELY effeminate manager is performing flamboyant "table touches" in the dining room. Also, a nun (waiting to be seated) is stealing coins from the March of Dimes display…while a busboy cleans the counter with the same rag that he just used to wipe the floor . When a nearby customer calls this fact to the busboy's attention to this, the employee screams obscenities at her because he can't control his Tourette's.
Cut to the dancing logo:
Sedaris Voice Over: "So, bring your family to Denny's today…and let US do the cookin', so you can just relax. (Chuckling, then adding:) We'll even do the dishes for you" -
Fast cut to the restaurant's dishwashing machine:
A profoundly-retarded teenager looks directly at the camera and shouts, "TIMMY!"
Cut to the parking lot:
The gay manager waves hysterically while the family drives away - as sexually-explicit, interracial rap music blares from their dashboard radio.
Music: "'Cause I ammmmmmmmm everyday people..."
The dancing logo takes a bow in the corner.
Fade to black.