There is no better way to celebrate Friday the 13th than watching a marathon of National Geographic's Air Crash Investigation. Over last few days I've enjoyed seeing planes fall from the sky - from Britain's "Comet" in 1954, to Australia's "Airbus A380: Titanic in the Sky," just a few years back. Thanks to modern CGI, I've witnessed jets dive, roll, cartwheel, corkscrew, crash, and explode. No expense is spared when showing a Boeing 747 slamming into a mountain, bursting into flames and leaving a crater of luggage & body parts. No wonder passengers get hammered before boarding. Send a round to the pilots, folks...and say hi to Denzel Washington.
"And now for your in-flight movie..." My interest in plane crashes got started in social media, when I clicked on a side link that said something like, "40+ Things That Pilots Will Never Tell You." The story that followed was both funny and chilling, and included fun facts like: When a pilot says, "It's a little foggy in Boise," what he's really saying is, "We can't see a fucking thing outside...and if radar goes down, we'll all be a red smear on the runway."
The article went on to describe how most passengers have no idea how dangerous flying can be if one doesn't follow a few simple rules - like keeping your seatbelt fastened. The majority of cabins are so calm inside, folks forget that they're actually rocketing through the air at 300-400 mph. If your seatbelt isn't on - and the plane hits a downdraft - everything that's not strapped down becomes a projectile: Your reading glasses. Your laptop. Your baby. And if you ever notice that the flight attendants suddenly sit down and buckle themselves in, that's when it's time to worry: if your Southwest stewardesses can't stay on their feet, chances are you should probably slam what's left of that $12 glass of Gallo.
The article went on to describe how most passengers have no idea how dangerous flying can be if one doesn't follow a few simple rules - like keeping your seatbelt fastened. The majority of cabins are so calm inside, folks forget that they're actually rocketing through the air at 300-400 mph. If your seatbelt isn't on - and the plane hits a downdraft - everything that's not strapped down becomes a projectile: Your reading glasses. Your laptop. Your baby. And if you ever notice that the flight attendants suddenly sit down and buckle themselves in, that's when it's time to worry: if your Southwest stewardesses can't stay on their feet, chances are you should probably slam what's left of that $12 glass of Gallo.
Man, I loved this show! Like so many industries, air travel puts on a great customer service face in an effort to make what they do look easy. Just like a restaurant doesn't let diners see the chaos of the kitchen (except for Buca deBeppo), airlines hide the craziness of flying...because it's their jobs to do so. The air travel experience - like dining - is supposed to be perfect, and you're not supposed to think about the baggage handlers, the pilots doing checklists, or those mechanics performing last-minute maintenance on the plane (fixing small problems that could easily cause big ones in the air). But like Pan Am stewardesses of the 60s, the flight crew we see must keep smiles on their faces - even if the same engine has needed oil for three straight landings.
Of course, as passengers, we have no idea what's happening on the tarmac because it's goal of the crew not to make us think about that. All flyers care about is that the plane is clean, on time, and stocked with peanuts, pillows, & booze. But if Air Crash Investigation has taught me anything, it's that Murphy's Law is more likely to happen at 35,000 feet than it is on ground when an asshole won't stop playing his Words With Friends game. (Chuckling.) I can think of a few people I wouldn't mind slamming into the ocean after a violent corkscrew nosedive...
Of course, as passengers, we have no idea what's happening on the tarmac because it's goal of the crew not to make us think about that. All flyers care about is that the plane is clean, on time, and stocked with peanuts, pillows, & booze. But if Air Crash Investigation has taught me anything, it's that Murphy's Law is more likely to happen at 35,000 feet than it is on ground when an asshole won't stop playing his Words With Friends game. (Chuckling.) I can think of a few people I wouldn't mind slamming into the ocean after a violent corkscrew nosedive...
This morning I read about a JetBlue stewardess who wouldn't let a flyer get up during a taxiway delay - causing a child to piss her pants in the seat. So many things crossed my mind when I saw this: How close was the plane to take-off? How long might it have taken to get the kid to the bathroom, and then rush her back to her seat? I totally get the need for safety (and avoiding injury if little Susie was pushing a mess when the plane started moving), but I also get that the child had to go - and the plane had been sitting on the tarmac for awhile. I'm torn with this one. I understand both the parent's and flight attendant's sides...though I suspect that what made the situation worse (and "by worse" I mean making the national news) was the Gorilla in the terminal that few people ever talk about: Air travel is expensive, and some customers think the cost of their tickets entitles them to chose convenience over safety. I mean, think about how much hell customers raise if they don't have enough breadsticks with a $40 Olive Garden dinner. Now, add another zero to the bill and imagine how the service expectations are raised. You don't just expect a "dinner," you demand a "dining experience." But such demands for airline travel just aren't realistic.
Be nice to your flight attendants, otherwise... I genuinely believe that while passengers are waiting for flights at the gates, airlines should play nothing but crash videos on their lounge TVs. Let's remind travelers just of why their tickets cost so much, and show them the delicate-dance of pilots & air traffic control...and what happens if someone fucks up. Rather than CNN, let's explain to frequent flyers of how just one small thing - a bad bolt, a fritz-y sensor, or a poor choice of words - can lead to a real life Airport movie...only without Charles Heston on a rope. Broken bones, flaming debris, a blood-covered drink cart thrown 500 feet from the scene. At the very least, we'll get that little girl to piss her pants on the ground where it's safe - rather than a dangerous taxiway.
Yes, this is a good idea. And the more that I think about it, the further I think we should go.
Taking a cue from local police on prom weekend (where they plop a drunk driver's wrecked car on the playground), I think we should scare air travelers straight by displaying wrecked planes in the terminals. Smiling airline employees can explain: "This was flight 1702, brought down because angry passengers demanded that the pilot attempt a landing in bad weather. Notice the dents in the cabin ceiling, where skulls impacted at 5oomph. If you look closely at this one, you can still see bits of hair and scalp."
Yes, this is a good idea. And the more that I think about it, the further I think we should go.
Taking a cue from local police on prom weekend (where they plop a drunk driver's wrecked car on the playground), I think we should scare air travelers straight by displaying wrecked planes in the terminals. Smiling airline employees can explain: "This was flight 1702, brought down because angry passengers demanded that the pilot attempt a landing in bad weather. Notice the dents in the cabin ceiling, where skulls impacted at 5oomph. If you look closely at this one, you can still see bits of hair and scalp."
Blow me! (Chuckling.) Well, as I learned from Michael Crichton's Airframe, all airline crashes - no matter how disastrous - are eventually summed up by a few short sentences within an FAA report. With that in mind, here are a few things that I've learned from watching Air Crash Investigation:
1. Even if the pilot's kid asks nicely, don't let him steer a $50,000,000 Airbus when flying over Siberian mountains.
2. Always wait for tower clearance before attempting to take off in your 747 (in fog, fully loaded with fuel/passengers) when another fully loaded 747 is on the same runway.
3. If every single cockpit instrument/alarm is telling you "Terrain! Terrain! Terrain!," you should probably pay attention.
And speaking of paying attention, we all might want to do the same the next time our flight attendants go through their safety speech at the beginning of our next flight. Even if we don't learn anything new, it's good to show our airline staff a little bit of respect -
Especially if in our final fiery moments, we'd like one last glass of $12 Gallo wine...before arriving at that great airport in the sky.
1. Even if the pilot's kid asks nicely, don't let him steer a $50,000,000 Airbus when flying over Siberian mountains.
2. Always wait for tower clearance before attempting to take off in your 747 (in fog, fully loaded with fuel/passengers) when another fully loaded 747 is on the same runway.
3. If every single cockpit instrument/alarm is telling you "Terrain! Terrain! Terrain!," you should probably pay attention.
And speaking of paying attention, we all might want to do the same the next time our flight attendants go through their safety speech at the beginning of our next flight. Even if we don't learn anything new, it's good to show our airline staff a little bit of respect -
Especially if in our final fiery moments, we'd like one last glass of $12 Gallo wine...before arriving at that great airport in the sky.