Did you know that koala babies suck on their mother's asses and eat their diarrhea? (I'm not kidding - it apparently jump starts their eucalyptus digestion ). I actually watched the video last night, which obliterated any/all impressions of koalas being anything other than absolutely disgusting. And add to that, over 80% of Australia's koala population suffers from chlamydia, causing incontinence - which means the bears piss when they sleep. I suppose I should be happy that the cubs have something to drink, but holy mother of God, my image of cuddly koala bears has been completely shattered. I honestly don't think I will ever eat at the Outback again...
So, RiffTrax appeared on the National Geographic channel a few nights ago, in a 3-hour April Fools special. The guys had fun with much of the network's standard fare: shaky, investigative animal documentaries as padded as most paranormal reporting. The NG line-up was intentionally awful - droll narratives, petty puff-pieces, and a laughably bad "killer bat" segment with a host that looked like those "Butt Guy" calendars. The koala piece was every bit as gross as described, and the special's last few minutes had both rednecks and a severed human foot. It was a good show to have watched if you were dieting...
I once blogged that "people are gross," but animals can be pretty disgusting as well. Dogs lick their balls, cats lick their asses, and all domestic animals poop in places we really wish they didn't. I once had a boyfriend who had three dogs in his house, including a min-pin & pug. The pincher always smelled like feet, but the pug smelled "sour" due to the snot that accumulated within the folds of its face. The only way to prevent the vile odor was to wipe the pug's folds several times a day, making sure to reach to the bottom of each crevice. What emerged on the rag looked remarkably similar to what's left on the toilet paper after wiping your ass. And those are just house pets. Imagine larger animals whose hooves are to big for a litter box. I mean, we all know what vets smell like. Have you ever visited a barn?
I once blogged that "people are gross," but animals can be pretty disgusting as well. Dogs lick their balls, cats lick their asses, and all domestic animals poop in places we really wish they didn't. I once had a boyfriend who had three dogs in his house, including a min-pin & pug. The pincher always smelled like feet, but the pug smelled "sour" due to the snot that accumulated within the folds of its face. The only way to prevent the vile odor was to wipe the pug's folds several times a day, making sure to reach to the bottom of each crevice. What emerged on the rag looked remarkably similar to what's left on the toilet paper after wiping your ass. And those are just house pets. Imagine larger animals whose hooves are to big for a litter box. I mean, we all know what vets smell like. Have you ever visited a barn?
Having grown up in 1970s rural Illinois, I remember the horror of living near a farm. Our house was located on a rural route, with farmsteads on either side of us and horses in a pasture behind our back yard. From a curb-appeal standpoint, the setting was pretty - and worthy of a Country Living cover. But koalas can be pretty, too - despite crotch rot & bowel breath - and the horses behind our house grazed in the same place they shat.
To this day, I can still remember how the neighbors' cows smelled...and how repulsive the chicken cages got in summer's humidity. Farm air actually "tasted" bad in your mouth - a mixture of corn, cows, and crap...and God help anyone who had their windows open downwind when the farmers decided it was time to clean their barns. The pig shit became airborne and sent clouds of aromatic animal anus into everybody's living rooms (where the stench was immediately absorbed by shag carpet). Remember Randy Quaid's line from Kingpin: "Run for your lives, there's a shit-cloud comin?" In 1977 Springfield Il, there was absolutely no place to run.
To this day, I can still remember how the neighbors' cows smelled...and how repulsive the chicken cages got in summer's humidity. Farm air actually "tasted" bad in your mouth - a mixture of corn, cows, and crap...and God help anyone who had their windows open downwind when the farmers decided it was time to clean their barns. The pig shit became airborne and sent clouds of aromatic animal anus into everybody's living rooms (where the stench was immediately absorbed by shag carpet). Remember Randy Quaid's line from Kingpin: "Run for your lives, there's a shit-cloud comin?" In 1977 Springfield Il, there was absolutely no place to run.
Farm stock & house pets aside, I admittedly have little experience with larger, more worldly animals. Like most people, I've been to the zoo a few times, but tigers on display have zookeepers to change the kitty litter - so they're not a good representation. We all know monkeys throw feces, ostriches have scaly skin under those feathers, kangaroos' pouches are filled with mucus, and that circus elephants get followed by a guy with a shovel. Yes, bears do shit in the woods, but they don't wipe their tushes like those in commercials - and don't all hunters track their prey by the big steaming piles left behind on the ground anyway?
I guess when it comes down to it, all animals are gross if they don't have a caretaker...but koalas are grossest of all. The closest thing I've seen to a baby koala sucking its mother's ass was that Two Girls, One Cup video...and I think we all can admit their fetish-feces looked suspiciously like chocolate pudding. Mousse, to be specific.
But there was no pudding on RiffTrax's National Geographic Total Riff Off :(
No pudding, indeed.
I guess when it comes down to it, all animals are gross if they don't have a caretaker...but koalas are grossest of all. The closest thing I've seen to a baby koala sucking its mother's ass was that Two Girls, One Cup video...and I think we all can admit their fetish-feces looked suspiciously like chocolate pudding. Mousse, to be specific.
But there was no pudding on RiffTrax's National Geographic Total Riff Off :(
No pudding, indeed.