When it comes to female Health Department inspectors, gay men are PORN FOR WOMEN :)
"Whir! Whir! CHOP-CHOP-CHOP-CHOP!" I finished her sentence - and imitated a baby who had just fallen into a food processor. I imagined dumplings filled with shiny red goo, being eaten by aging news anchors.
"I NEVER eat at Chinese restaurants," the inspector added.
But again, that's an American environment - and we know what triggers food born illness. In Chinese culture, sadly, golden batter can hide many violations, and deep fryers can be just as effective as Orkin spray. There's a reason why those dumplings are crunchy, and why that sauce is starting to coagulate. If you have a complaint, I'll happily send the manager by your table...but please give her a minute. The bidet is broken, so she's using the three-compartment sink.
In many ways, my local Chinese buffet so bad it's good. The food is just...terrible, but the atmosphere is even worse: The booths - like a 1977 Ford LTD - are upholstered in hard burgundy vinyl, and separated by dirty brass & glass covered in fingerprints. The windows are "steamy," with filthy vertical blinds that hang at angles because of piles of sticky booster seats and high chairs covered in crud. Mismatched ceiling fans hang down from above like lynching victims. The kitchen-grade floor tile as mentioned is perceptually slick. The highlight of the dining room is the buffet, itself - a series of 1980s-era steam tables, dropped from the Golden Girls set into a storefront last repainted in the Clinton administration.
After my conversation with the Health Department lady, seeing how poorly my local buffet maintains its dining room, I can only imagine the horrors within its kitchen. Not only is Grandma babysitting, she's been dead for years - like Norman Bates's mother. No worries, though; just roll her in batter and cook her in the fryer for a few minutes. We call the dish, HAPPY FAMILY...with a nod to our beloved Grandma.
So long as somebody washes their hands, the Health Department will give us a pass...