Apocalypse Lane

Spider-zilla

So, I screamed like a little girl today while cutting the grass in my front yard.  Jabba the spider was hanging in my path, and she blended so well within the fall leaves, I literally almost inhaled her.  October is the season for gross creepy-crawlies, and eight-legged monsters looking for ways to enter the house.  I hate to use chemicals, but if I don't spray, my home could easily become the set of Arachnophobia.  That's the joy of old places; they decorate themselves for Halloween.  Spiders in the yard, bats in the attic, and that thing under my porch that likes to kill kids.  (Err, I mean...cats.)  Add my house's ghost to the mix, and I'm ready to scare the hell out of anyone who enters.  Especially if they find their way into my basement playroom.

From dilapidated shit hole...

...to a Goddamn Disney palace!

Speaking of haunted houses, the creepy old Queen Anne across the street from me is finally getting a makeover. For years it's been the last holdout in the neighborhood - the last to be repainted, resided, and the very last to have its roof & windows replaced.  These past two years especially, this dilapidated two story has been slowly turning into mulch - with paint & shingles peeling off like psoriasis, and bare wood showing everywhere.  Until recently, the house has been occupied by a widowed old man who's owned the property since the 70s.  But his family interviewed when he grew to old to live alone, and judging from the sudden appearance of contractors, it looks like they're fixing the place up to sell - which is fine by me.  Yes, I'm sad that he's leaving his house, but it will be nice to have fresh faces on the street - preferably gays who appreciate historic neighborhoods.  Chuckling...saying that just made me feel my Zillow rating move in my pants.  

What happens when you buy one of everything in the Family Dollar Halloween decor aisle? This!

Zoom in close and squint at the front window. Yes, that is both a diaper and an ALDI bag - instead of curtains.

So, check these pictures out.  They're from a home a few blocks west, in my same neighborhood - but not on a street that's considered "historic."  This house is why I think that both Homeowner's Associations and Historic Society Neighborhoods (with strict bylaws) are GOOD things - especially if they're run by nosy busybodies.  Granted, I was pissed when my current HSN forbid me from buying a Home Depot garage kit to replace my old freestanding one car garage...but had THIS Halloween apocalypse been within their jurisdiction, my HSN would have  thrown pumpkins.  Forgive me for shaming a neighbor, but LOOK at this shit hole!  Even a dog wouldn't poop here!  Even a North Korean would say, "You know what?  We think we take Ryanggang apartment instead."

Take a moment to zoom in close to the living room window.  Notice anything scary?  Like - oh, I don't know - THE ALDI BAGS AND DIAPER TAPED TO THE WINDOW?  It's easy to miss within all the Halloween crap.  Who the fuck hangs diapers in the window?  And does the carpet match the drapes?

QUICK SIDE STORY: I think it was early last fall when I came home from work and found two vultures perched on my roof.  The sky was the color of Reynolds Wrap, and the buzzards watched me from above like something from a Hitchcock movie.  The whole experience was a little unsettling, until I realized that they were just waiting for traffic to lighten - so they could finish dinner.

It was also last year when I posed the question: Why do the survivors of a zombie apocalypse always drive such shitty cars?  Seriously, if society had collapsed and we were all living like Mad Max in the suburbs, why would we rolling around in beat-up pickups and undependable RV's?  Is it some kind of survivor's guilt that keeps us from swinging by the Range Rover lot and leaving in a current model?  Something with working AC?  A truck that doesn't break an axle if a walker's spinal column gets caught in the wheel?  If the undead take to the streets, not only do I aim to be well-dressed, I also intend to take to the streets behind the wheel of a blood-colored Cadillac.  With all the damn zombie crap on television, I can't even look at innocent children's toys anymore without thinking of the walking dead.   I mean, look at these Playmobil sets:

Look at these toys. Seriously, the FIRST thing I thought of was Hershel's camper, the tent where Rick's wife tried to self-abort, and any given empty ambulance.

Everything your family needs to enjoy the end of days! look...it even has a cat!

Chuckling...in regards to the "Summer Fun" playset, a Barnes & Noble coworker explained that it came with a kitty in case rations got low, and it came with kids in case rations got low in Terminous. 

And yes, sorry...this blog was all over the place.  Think of it as a schizophrenic "Happy Halloween!"

UPDATE: Friday November 7th, 2014: The above mentioned Halloween shit-yard is STILL up, only now it's been rained on.  I wonder if Detroit might consider demolishing an out-of-state property?