He Films You When You're Sleeping...

Rudolph, The Drag Queen Reindeer
(Sung to the tune of Rudolph, the Red Nosed Reindeer
as featured in Goodbye to Beekman Place)

Rudolph, the drag queen reindeer - had a thing for panty-hose; 
he had an eye for fashion - his cave was draped in satin throws.  

All of the other reindeer, used to laugh - they'd call him queer; 
they'd really get offended when - he'd order wine instead of beer.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say: 
"Rudolph (hic)...I love you (hic)...I need you (hic)...I want you...did I mention I'm gay?"  

(A bom, bom, bom...)

Now, all the reindeer loathe him - as Rudolph's Santa's favorite buck; 
Santa eyed Rudolph's antlers, rubbed his crotch and said, "Let's fuck!"

Soon, the happy couple was married - the elves, they wished them all the best; 
and now Santa Claus and Rudolph spend...Christmas boffing in Key West!

Frosty, The Snowman
As featured in The Casual Cafe


 
Frosty, the snowman...sold pre-me-um cocaine; 
with his tailored boots and his custom suits and twelve grand in gold chains.

Frosty, the SNOW-man...was as stoned as he could be; 
with his eyes bloodshot, his nose dripping snot - like the guys on MTV.

There was this funny white stuff on a piece of mirror he found...
for when he placed it up his nose, he began to dance around!

Frosty was murdered, when a drug deal fell through.  
He lay in a flood of his cold, red blood - and his nose was ripped off too.  

Frosty was dying - and his fate could have been better.  
If only he'd wised-up-ta' ...the... National SemiConduct-a, and taken a job at Chedders!

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Testosterone Wonderland
(Sung to the tune of  "Winter Wonderland," 
written during my employment at 
HANDY ANDY Home Improvement Centers)

In the meadow, we can build a toolshed. 
 And then we'll sit back and drink some beer.  
We'll pass gas as we watch the big game...
...we'll clean our guns so we can shoot a deer.

Later on, we'll conspire.  As we scratch by the fire.  
Our trucks are in sight; we'll wear our green vests tonight...
...walking through testosterone wonderland.

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He Films You When You're Sleeping

Various lines from various unfinished - and extremely inappropriate - Christmas carols :)



Santa Claus is Coming to Town
He films you when you're sleeping.  He knows you masturbate.
He knows that when you close your eyes, it's fifty shades of hate...

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Have yourself a kinky little Christmas, may your bonds be tight.  
Thanks to the mask, your troubles will be out of sight...

The Twelve Days of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me - a virus, now known as HIV...

White Christmas
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas - just like the ones before the war...

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From The Little Drummer Boy
Cum, he told me 
Bah-rum-bum-bum-bum...

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