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"Well, that's bloody wonderful! And may I ask WHO left her majesty unsupervised with the liquor cabinet? Well, don't just stand there - pick her UP from the floor! And for Christ's sake, have Mr. Carter pry whats left of that bottle of absinthe out of her hands!"
"I say, James - prop her up, dust her off, and tell Ms. Hughes to get some strong tea into her majesty! Yes, have her use the funnel! Yes, bring clean shoes! And I think her majesty pissed her girdle again, so please tell the lady's maid to get us a coat - something pastel & gracious - and don't forget to bring one of those ridiculous hats!"
"Ok - places, people! We're wheeling her to the balcony! And remember: So long as it looks like her majesty's coherent, Charles can't challenge the throne! And, for the love of God, will somebody please check the loo, and make sure that Camilla isn't waiting there with a camera...again!"
"I say, James - prop her up, dust her off, and tell Ms. Hughes to get some strong tea into her majesty! Yes, have her use the funnel! Yes, bring clean shoes! And I think her majesty pissed her girdle again, so please tell the lady's maid to get us a coat - something pastel & gracious - and don't forget to bring one of those ridiculous hats!"
"Ok - places, people! We're wheeling her to the balcony! And remember: So long as it looks like her majesty's coherent, Charles can't challenge the throne! And, for the love of God, will somebody please check the loo, and make sure that Camilla isn't waiting there with a camera...again!"
WHY I HATE BRITISH MAGAZINES ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY:
Working in a bookstore, I am - sadly - familiar with American gossip magazines like People, Star, In Touch, and US. I'm not proud of this fact - and I'm especially embarrassed with knowing how big Kim Kardashian's ass got during pregnancy - but selling weekly rags is as much a part of my job as showing customers the Shakespeare section.
That being said, I do know my products…and I concede that American magazines are the place to go when you want to learn who's on drugs, who's adopting another North Korean kid, and who had a wardrobe malfunction on live TV. Did you know that Vinnie Barbarino doesn't manscape before a massage? (I did.) And did you know that Chandler Bing used to dust his morning corn flakes with heroin? (I knew that, too!)
Working in a bookstore, I am - sadly - familiar with American gossip magazines like People, Star, In Touch, and US. I'm not proud of this fact - and I'm especially embarrassed with knowing how big Kim Kardashian's ass got during pregnancy - but selling weekly rags is as much a part of my job as showing customers the Shakespeare section.
That being said, I do know my products…and I concede that American magazines are the place to go when you want to learn who's on drugs, who's adopting another North Korean kid, and who had a wardrobe malfunction on live TV. Did you know that Vinnie Barbarino doesn't manscape before a massage? (I did.) And did you know that Chandler Bing used to dust his morning corn flakes with heroin? (I knew that, too!)
The point in all this: whether you like them or not, American periodicals are proud to tell us the DIRT about our celebrities. But that's not the case with British mags, especially when it comes to the royal family. Their headlines are puff-pieces: "KATE IS PREGNANT: A DREAM COME TRUE FOR THE ROYAL FAMILY!" and/or "THE QUEEN: REFLECTING ON 60 REMARKABLE YEARS!" You'd think that these people never had a fight, a glass of sherry, or even a sexual climax - and time and time again, the headlines are as sanitized as hospital linens.
A coworker of mine even suggested a scenario where Kate Middleton avoids a painful, messy birth - with just a simple sneeze: "A-Choo!!" Kate would sigh happily, with her $2000 heels held apart by stirrups. and her baby would emerge with a face full of makeup (and immediately swaddled into a puff of white satin - as fragrant as freshly-cut flowers). No goop, no poop, and no icky placenta. It's the princess, after all - and like Downton Abbey, we simply shan't mention such unpleasant things.
A coworker of mine even suggested a scenario where Kate Middleton avoids a painful, messy birth - with just a simple sneeze: "A-Choo!!" Kate would sigh happily, with her $2000 heels held apart by stirrups. and her baby would emerge with a face full of makeup (and immediately swaddled into a puff of white satin - as fragrant as freshly-cut flowers). No goop, no poop, and no icky placenta. It's the princess, after all - and like Downton Abbey, we simply shan't mention such unpleasant things.
Even articles for Diana's humilating divorce were delivered with the utmost care: "A CAREFREE PRINCESS DIANA: TOGETHER WITH WILLIAM AND HARRY FOR A SUNNY START TO THE NEW YEAR." Let us not forget that while the Peoples' Princess was dying in a tunnel, Charles was discharging his penis intside a lady as warm as a Harrod's window mannequin.
Wouldn't you love to know what's REALLY going on within the royal palace, behind closed doors - and away from press managers' scripts? Americans caught a brief glimpse in Vegas, when Harry was playing find-the-royal-jewels with a naked chick - and American paparazzi snapped pictures. I mean, sure…naughty photos ultimately made it to the British press, but I think we all agree that was just a consolation prize. I for one would have LOVED to hear the real palace conversations, as the gracious Prince of Wales had words with his lovely mistress:
CAMILLA: (Dressed in leather, holding an early copy of Fifty Shades of Grey): "You stupid, bloody, lanky FUCK! How do you think Prince Harry's actions will affect my chance to be QUEEN?" (She throws an ashtray at him. He ducks.) "What? Are you afraid that will make your cheeks even redder than they are already?"
CHARLES: (Dressed in one of his mother's gowns and a crown made of tin foil): "You do know that you look like John Cleese in drag as Linda Evans, right?" (He quickly backtracks.) "I'm sorry, Mistress! I'm sorry, Mistress…!"
CAMILLA: (Dressed in leather, holding an early copy of Fifty Shades of Grey): "You stupid, bloody, lanky FUCK! How do you think Prince Harry's actions will affect my chance to be QUEEN?" (She throws an ashtray at him. He ducks.) "What? Are you afraid that will make your cheeks even redder than they are already?"
CHARLES: (Dressed in one of his mother's gowns and a crown made of tin foil): "You do know that you look like John Cleese in drag as Linda Evans, right?" (He quickly backtracks.) "I'm sorry, Mistress! I'm sorry, Mistress…!"
If a British gossip rag carried stories like that, I'd TOTALLY read it!
Long live the Queen...
Long live the Queen...