 |  |
"Lady Mary...might I ask why Kathy Bates has slaughtered a negro in the drawing room? And (cough, cough) while we're on the subject, may I also inquire as to why Branson is driving The Munsters car, why has Matthew risen from the grave, and why is Mrs. Patmore spitting into the policeman's tea instead of showing him where Bates is hiding?
"And finally - for the love of the Edwardian housing market - WHAT is Lady Edith doing in a rubber mask, a skin-tight bondage suit, and stilettos with revolvers for heels? And why has she locked Daisy in that closet with all the mirrors? It's just...unseemly."
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been watching, "American Horror Story: Abbey."
"And finally - for the love of the Edwardian housing market - WHAT is Lady Edith doing in a rubber mask, a skin-tight bondage suit, and stilettos with revolvers for heels? And why has she locked Daisy in that closet with all the mirrors? It's just...unseemly."
Ladies and gentlemen, you have been watching, "American Horror Story: Abbey."
So, another season of American Horror Story has ended - and like so many fans, I can't wait to see where the series goes next. I've read the "circus" rumors, and I know that Jessica Lange intends for Season 4 to be her last. It's no secret that Lange is taking German lessons (she wants to play a Marlena Detrich character), and many seem to think AHS4 will involve NAZIs. Whatever the case, Coven was a solid show, and just like Mad Men, I'm anxiously awaiting the series' return. I'm also thinking about what Season Five might be like - without Jessica Lange - a tough act to follow.
With that in mind, might I suggest a few other possibilities:
With that in mind, might I suggest a few other possibilities:
1. AMERICAN HORROR STORY: JERSEY
Angela Bassett reprises her Coven role as Marie Laveau, only this time she owns a hair & nail salon for oversexed housewives and entitled 20somethings on the Jersey Shore. But bad juju is a-brewing when a hurricane slams the coast, the 666 Park Avenue set is destroyed, and the entire AHSJ cast is trapped in a boardwalk hostel because the Governor has closed the bridge. Muscles may look sexy on the beach, but they're extremely tough to swallow when you're faced with cannibalism. Watch for guest appearances by Arnold Schwarzenegger, David Hasselhoff, and the crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Angela Bassett reprises her Coven role as Marie Laveau, only this time she owns a hair & nail salon for oversexed housewives and entitled 20somethings on the Jersey Shore. But bad juju is a-brewing when a hurricane slams the coast, the 666 Park Avenue set is destroyed, and the entire AHSJ cast is trapped in a boardwalk hostel because the Governor has closed the bridge. Muscles may look sexy on the beach, but they're extremely tough to swallow when you're faced with cannibalism. Watch for guest appearances by Arnold Schwarzenegger, David Hasselhoff, and the crew of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
2. AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CARNIVAL
NOT to be confused with "Carnivale" or "Circus" rumors, this dark early-80s period piece features Kathy Lee Gifford as a demonic cruise director, Richard Simmons as a sadistic aerobics teacher, JJ Walker as murderous shuffleboard player, and Betty White as herself. The Bermuda Triangle can't hold a candle to this titanic of intertwined backstories, when murder is served as cold as the midnight buffet's salmon puffs. Love may be exciting and new, but it quickly turns to terror when this "ghost ship" misses the iceberg - but a hits a perfect storm of cliches. Watch for a cameo by Gavin Macleod.
NOT to be confused with "Carnivale" or "Circus" rumors, this dark early-80s period piece features Kathy Lee Gifford as a demonic cruise director, Richard Simmons as a sadistic aerobics teacher, JJ Walker as murderous shuffleboard player, and Betty White as herself. The Bermuda Triangle can't hold a candle to this titanic of intertwined backstories, when murder is served as cold as the midnight buffet's salmon puffs. Love may be exciting and new, but it quickly turns to terror when this "ghost ship" misses the iceberg - but a hits a perfect storm of cliches. Watch for a cameo by Gavin Macleod.
3. AMERICAN IDOL HORROR STORY
Kathy Bates returns to AHS, only this time as a "Susan Boyle" character - but with a very, very dark secret. Her siren song may wow viewers at first, but as her YouTube hits climb into the heavens, a sinkhole opens into the fiery pits of hell. It's Glee-meets-Left Behind, as hearts are tugged - and ripped from their chest cavities, and Justin Bieber's arrest reveals a not only a stomach full of Sizzurp, but belly packed with unadulterated evil. Watch as Satan's unholy armies battle for our souls through the voice of a frumpy, middle aged woman - and a Simon Cowell character played by Joan Rivers. Guest stars include PSY, One Direction, Jane Lynch, Sam & Dean Winchester, and The Robot Devil.
"What does the fox say? ... APOCALYPSE!"
Kathy Bates returns to AHS, only this time as a "Susan Boyle" character - but with a very, very dark secret. Her siren song may wow viewers at first, but as her YouTube hits climb into the heavens, a sinkhole opens into the fiery pits of hell. It's Glee-meets-Left Behind, as hearts are tugged - and ripped from their chest cavities, and Justin Bieber's arrest reveals a not only a stomach full of Sizzurp, but belly packed with unadulterated evil. Watch as Satan's unholy armies battle for our souls through the voice of a frumpy, middle aged woman - and a Simon Cowell character played by Joan Rivers. Guest stars include PSY, One Direction, Jane Lynch, Sam & Dean Winchester, and The Robot Devil.
"What does the fox say? ... APOCALYPSE!"
I also considered additional scenarios - American Rocky Horror Story, American Gigolo Horror Story, Love American Horror Story Style, and my personal favorite: American Horror Story: LEGO.
I'm also not opposed to a Robot Chicken episode.
I'm also not opposed to a Robot Chicken episode.